I know I’ve been talking about hating my job for the last 2 years…

I think it’s because I have no sense of self-fulfillment. I’m bad at what I do because I hate doing it. I’m excited to do other projects and I always look forward to working on things OTHER than payroll. I dread payroll. I hate it. I hate the stress of it, I hate the idea that I have to be bound to a schedule… I hate that I hold my breath every time I get a phone call because someone is calling me to tell me there’s something wrong with their check.

Today, I asked Kim to look over a few manual checks that I’d written up. I asked her to look over them because I don’t feel confident whenever I have to cut checks. It gives me anxiety. It’s probably because the first few times I had to cut checks, I would make really big mistakes and it’s just stayed with me ever since.

So today I asked her to look over two checks that I’d written. She says, “Nope. I’m not going to look over them anymore.”

She said she can look over them and see if they’re okay, but she’s not going to look at anything else except for the check. She said I’ve been here long enough to know how to do it now. I said I wasn’t comfortable with deductions/insurance. I don’t feel comfortable with it… That’s why I ask her to check it. I don’t understand how deductions/insurance works. I haven’t ever really… been trained.

She said that she doesn’t have time to check over every single thing I do. And when I do make a mistake, she takes it as her mistake because she was the last person to look over it. I told her I didn’t want to make her feel that way… But truthfully, I think it’s justified. That’s the whole point of me asking her to check it… So that I don’t make a mistake and that we’ll BOTH be okay. I’m not saying that it’s her fault if the check isn’t correct. That’s my fault. I’m saying that it’s part of her JOB to check as a supervisor. That’s what a supervisor does.

She said I rely on her too much so then I end up making mistakes. I think she just doesn’t want to take responsibility.

For example, we had to cut a dude’s final check. I asked her if the medical insurance needed to be deducted, and she said we needed to double the deduction for the whole month since it was the first check. Neither of us realized that he had already gotten a check and that one half of the medical deduction had already been paid. So we basically over-deducted from his paycheck.

She told me to do that. I listened to her because that made sense.

So now she’s upset that I didn’t tell her that he’d already gotten a check and had medical deducted… So now she’s saying she won’t look at the checks altogether…? How does that make sense? A kid can’t swim very well, and then you push them into the deep end?

I get it. She wants me to learn from my mistakes… But she can’t just pull out and be like. Nope. It’s your problem if he doesn’t get paid correctly.

If you really think about it though… Either way, it’s going to reflect on her. If I make a mistake and she doesn’t look at it, she’s still going to get in trouble for not looking at it anyways. It’s her JOB as a SUPERVISOR to ensure quality and accuracy.

I’m bad at my job because I hate my job and I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick. Aarthi had the option to choose what direction she wanted to go into. I was just kind of thrown into payroll. Kim always talks about how she’s afraid of losing me and that she doesn’t know what she would do if I left, but she knows it’s going to happen.

I’m just waiting… Waiting for my opportunity…