I had dinner with Jessica the other night, and we talked about her relationship “conquests” and how she was so excited to pursue this one particular person because he seemed so genuine and perfect. She texted me shortly after and said that all bets were off with him because things were getting “too emotional” for him.

I never understood why she felt the need to be in relationship with these men (despite what she says to me). She says that she’d rather be single and it’s her CHOICE. But then … She told me she didn’t understand why these things always happen to her… She says it takes forever to get a guy to commit to her. Then once they FINALLY give in… They cheat or they break it off. She didn’t understand what was wrong. She’s insistent that it’s always the man’s fault, and most of the occasions… It’s just because they were scum bags. But I had a few ideas of what might be going wrong behind the scenes…

  1. You have to know yourself first before you can ask someone to get to know you. Why would you trust someone else to “care” for you, if you don’t even know what you want?
  2. It’s exhausting picking and choosing battles. Especially when you think/know that you’re right. You have to know when you should just give in and let them have the win. But it’s necessary.
  3. You have to think about the significant other’s feelings with everything you do/say. I’m not saying that it should rule you, but it should still be taken into consideration.
  4. You cannot just FORCE people to do things your way. People in this day and age are raised to think about their autonomy. You threaten that autonomy, and they’re about ready to walk out the door.
  5. You shouldn’t get stuck on timelines, but you should know that they exist. For example, let’s say you want to get married by age 30. But that doesn’t happen. It’s not something to freak out over, but you may need to think about how that might affect the current relationship you’re in. Are you at a stand still? Maybe that’s when you start talking about future stuff.
  6. Don’t FORCE timelines onto people. See #4.
  7. Cheating is NEVER okay. I don’t care if it’s for revenge purposes. No.
  8. It’s important to be honest about how you feel, but you can word it in a way that doesn’t make them feel like they’re failing at the relationship.
  9. When someone is telling you that you hurt them, you don’t get to make it about you at that point. You don’t get to say that you didn’t hurt them…Because that’s not your call. And if you feel like shit because they said you hurt them, you should. Because that feeling-like-shit part probably means that you know that you did something wrong. It’s not mandatory for the other person to forgive you.
  10. Before they’re your significant other, first and foremost…they should be your best friend. You should think about what that entails. You need to think about how they would want/need to be supported. You kind of have to think like they do. For example, when I’m upset or annoyed, Richard thinks that the best way to fix a bad situation is to fix it LOGICALLY. Like he’ll walk ahead of me to get food in me if I’m annoyed and hangry. But what I need is for him to comfort me EMOTIONALLY. Like give me a hug or talk to me or whatever.
  11. No one is perfect. You have to cut them some slack because the next time you fuck up, you’re going to really be wishing that they would cut you some slack then.

Basically, I’m just saying that if you can’t take your significant other into consideration… Think about you in their lives as opposed to JUST thinking about how they affect yours, you don’t deserve need to be in a relationship.

Thinking about other people is hard.

I mean, yeah. You can be mentally thinking about that person, but to really really think about them is hard. Doing things for people to get them to like you is different from a true, emotional connection. For example… Sex doesn’t guarantee an emotional connection. Buying a girl presents doesn’t guarantee a connection.

It’s about how you THINK (and therefore how you behave) when you’re in a relationship that defines it. 

Basically, if you’re too concerned with playing mind games and you take the person for granted… You shouldn’t be jumping at every chance to be in a relationship. Because you’re not ready to be in one. Until you realize that it’s not all about YOU, perhaps it’s best if you take it solo for a while.

 

Advertisements